tired and trying

and i'm sitting here
listening to one sad concerto for cello
after another
and i'm looking through all these
old family photographs
and polaroids
of us

and i really wish that i could smoke in my room
surrounded by all this
black satin
and memorabilia
from previous life gone by

and i'm feeling nostalgic
i guess
or at least maybe i'm trying to feel that way.
trying to feel anything
besides this

this constant fear & anxiety
and i think
i must be
numb
or something
because i want
so badly
to feel
anything.
everything.
i'm just trying to feel.