snapped shot

i'm looking at each picture
and trying to remember
the story
the moment
the feeling
because these were moments
seemingly worth capturing
worth remembering forever
worth feeling

so i'm trying to remember
because
forgetting is awful
especially
forgetting you

tired and trying

and i'm sitting here
listening to one sad concerto for cello
after another
and i'm looking through all these
old family photographs
and polaroids
of us

and i really wish that i could smoke in my room
surrounded by all this
black satin
and memorabilia
from previous life gone by

and i'm feeling nostalgic
i guess
or at least maybe i'm trying to feel that way.
trying to feel anything
besides this

this constant fear & anxiety
and i think
i must be
numb
or something
because i want
so badly
to feel
anything.
everything.
i'm just trying to feel.

how am i supposed to do this

and i'm over-dramatic.
and i don't care.

i don't know how to tell you
i don't know how to tell you
that
you are hurting me
i don't know how to tell you
that
you are breaking my heart.

not a poem at all

stumbled upon my live-journals from high-school / beginning of freshman year at apu. total throwback. feeling odd. merrr.

omission

really i should just
tell you
what it is
that's been bothering me
be
ya know
honest
or whatever
but
i feel like
you'll get mad
or
think that i'm being silly
or
overly dramatic

and
it's not my place
i guess
because
it's none of my business
really

but we're all connected
and we're all
just
trying to get by
and
we do what we can

but
whatever it is
that you've been doing
to get by
that's what's been bothering me
so so much

and i hate lying to you
because
omitting a truth
is basically the same thing
as
a lie.

and if i'm being honest here
well
you're really hurting my feelings
and i don't think you have a clue.

libra rising

grey sky. cigarette burns. blurred window reflections
of
palm trees
and
something else
quintessentially Californian

we talked about
Moon signs
until the Sun awoke
from her slumber
Moon signs
and
polarity
the things that make us
who we are
we talked about the club
that nobody wants to join
but of which we are veteran members
and
four fingers left in the bottle
lining up our mostly smoked
cigarette ends
according to size

shivering amongst the palm trees
and something else
quintessentially Californian

and we talked.

trying

i'm trying to write. i'm trying to write. i'm trying to write.

remember when i wrote
about things like
lava and
skeletons
and
hearts being on fire

remember when i wrote
about things like
clouds and
star-shines
and
love

i'm trying to remember.
i'm trying to write.
and it's just not happening
like i want it to.

wesley told me i should just
lie
and no one would know
the difference
but i would know
and i think
maybe
lying is just
too easy
and it feels like
i'm cheating

so

i have to tell the truth

but

i'm not sure
if i even know what that is
anymore

a thought

"between the anger
and the thousand hollow words
we'll never share
i wonder
if i am
your greatest failure
or you
mine"

something i stumbled upon