18 January 2010

what i should have said months ago

i know that you love me
i do know that
and i know that you
have the best of intentions
(probably)
but
really
sometimes (and just sometimes)
i think i might
despise you (a little)
for all the reasons
i've written before
(which you would know if you ever read my poems
which of course you've told me you have
which
of course
i know isn't true)
and i know you haven't
actually read my poems
because if you are even
one half as perceptive as i am sure that you are
you would know that there are poems about
you

and likely, you wouldn't like
what you read
because
then
you would know
just how much you've
hurt me
and you'd somehow
end up making me feel bad
for making you feel bad
for making me feel bad
and
likely
you would make it all about you
which it only partly is
because this is about
me
and my insecurities
and my feelings
and my fears
and my neuroses
because this is about
m e

and i won't let you make me feel bad
for being selfish because
i deserve to be selfish
sometimes
so don't take that
away from me

so i guess
it's good thing
really
that you won't read my poems

i can go on pretending
to think that you
might actually like to know
what's going on in my head

we're probably better off that way
because
i love you
really
i do
and i don't want to hurt your feelings
because i know that
you love me
really
i do know that

i just wish i didn't care so much
because
i want to be selfish
and i can't
because
i love you so much.